Hospice

I guess I haven't really made this information public, but I guess I had better before... ooh, what do I put here?... before it's too late? That seems so dramatic, and yet that's the fact of the matter. Death is dramatic, dying is not so much, or at least not usually. My husband is dying. I'm getting ahead of myself here though, so let me start at his last ER visit.

Several weeks ago Dean woke up in the middle of the night with a bleed from his tumor. To you it might just look like a bad bloody nose that just won't stop. He had had 5 bleeds in 6 weeks- one after every chemo treatment for the last three treatments. The first of these most recent bleeds (he had had two back in Nov and Jan) was bad: white as a sheet when he arrived at the ER, barely alive. This last one didn't start out so bad and I sent him to the hospital under the care of competent EMTs knowing he'd rally and telling him I'd come get him when he was ready to be discharged. And hour and half later, the ER doc called asking when I was coming in because my husband "could be dead in 10 minutes." Of course, I ran (and sped) to be by his side, and when I finally found my husband, to my dismay they had stuffed his nose again (they did this in January), but this time Dean is pretty sure they broke his nose from the inside while packing it. Dean had asked the ER doc to let him die, but as ERs are in the business of saving lives, that's what they did. I knew as soon as I saw Dean, he would have rather died than go through the (debatably unnecessary) packing of his nose again.

Before he went to the ER that morning, Dean had already made the decision to begin hospice care at home. We were going to start making calls that week. Thankfully, now the social worker at the hospital would set it all up. Now there was no question. There would be no more painful procedures for Dean.

Now there are even more difficult calls to make: funeral homes, cemetery. Meanwhile, hospice comes every week. And every week my husband's need for pain meds increases. His discomfort increases. When the nurse asks if we have any questions, I want to ask, "How much longer?" I'm afraid she will have no answer and that she will say "not long" and that she will say something that sounds like too long (I am so conflicted). Somehow I make it through these visits without crying, but inside of me I feel a part of me screaming, groaning, oh how I ache. I break afterwards.

And every night I go to sleep (or to work) with the possibility lingering in the back of my mind, "Will he bleed tonight?"

A little bit about shootings and cancer

I don't know how to talk to my kids about the risk that they may be murdered at school.

Talking to your kids about the fact that they could be murdered at school is just an awful thing to have to talk about, much like my having to talk to my kids about their dad's terminal diagnosis. There's no easy way about it. But the good news with the schools is that they are LIKELY to get out alive. So I tell my kids to go in prepared and brave. "You watch and you listen. And you tell me ANYTHING that strikes you as weird or disturbing." And if it so be that he or a friend gets called to be with our loved ones in Heaven, then that's something that we can be sad about at that time. But we don't live in fear of it and we don't mourn before it's time. We live life to the fullest while we have it.

We live the same way (or we try) with my husband's diagnosis, though most days he's too ill to live life fully, but we do what we can. But barring any miracles from Heaven, his shooter is coming. We don't know when, or how, just that the doctor has repeatedly assured us (because we just refuse to believe there's no other way out) that the cancer WILL EVENTUALLY take his life.

I have recently and repeatedly found great comfort in these words by Dallin H. Oaks:

"As children of God, knowing of His great love and His ultimate knowledge of what is best for our eternal welfare, we trust in Him. The first principle of the gospel is faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, and faith means trust. I felt that trust in a talk my cousin gave at the funeral of a teenage girl who had died of a serious illness. He spoke these words, which first astonished me and then edified me: 'I know it was the will of the Lord that she die. She had good medical care. She was given priesthood blessings. Her name was on the prayer roll in the temple. She was the subject of hundreds of prayers for her restoration to health. And I know that there is enough faith in this family that she would have been healed unless it was the will of the Lord to take her home at this time.' I felt that same trust in the words of the father of another choice girl whose life was taken by cancer in her teen years. He declared,' Our family’s faith is in Jesus Christ and is not dependent on outcomes.' Those teachings ring true to me. We do all that we can for the healing of a loved one, and then we trust in the Lord for the outcome." (https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2010/04/healing-the-sick?lang=eng)

We can't control the future... not that we shouldn't try to make things better, but fearing the worst does nothing to improve the future. Prepare for the worst, expect the best. It's what Dean has always helped me to do. Still holds true.

Some recent thoughts

I have been going through some difficult internal battles in the recent past, and I thought maybe returning to my blog might help me to get some things off my chest.

My depression

I finally got on some medication (again) to handle the anxiety and depression that I have allowed to plague me the last year. I think this is probably a temporary thing, but if it needs to be lifelong then so be it. I have felt much better with my anxiety in check and I am not entirely sure I can keep it in check without medication. Time will tell however, and I am open to doing whatever needs to be done. I just know I have been a nicer mom and my brain doesn't race quite as much since I started taking Effexor.

Taking control of my feelings and life 

A friend of mine has been helping me with some life coaching. It's kind of a new concept for me and I am a little resistant to some of the ideas, but at the point I started (about the same time I went to see a doc for my depression) I was just desperate enough to try anything. So I have been listening to some recordings by Byron Katie and Heather Madder. I feel truth in the things I have listened to and I am putting into practice believing and living these ideas.

I feel like I have been asleep in my life for a long time now, just allowing events to come and go not really participating in or influencing what happens around me. I am changing that. Problem is I have LOTS of ideas of what I can do, so many in fact that I just get bogged down with ideas and can't move in any specific direction. ALL the goals seem like good ideas, so I give up on one and pick up another and get tired of that one, so I move on to another or I "fail" at one, so I just write them all off.

Last week, my friend (the life coach) told me they really wanted to see some changes this week and that I really had to start working on my goals... it felt like there was an "or else" though they never said anything such. My mind heard an "or else" and responded, "OK, well if you want to play that way, I won't do ANY
THING. That'll show you to give me an ultimatum." To which my smarter mind replied, "That's one of the stupidest things you've ever thought. Cutting off your nose to spite your face: that's what you're thinking of doing. Seriously, you're going to 'show them' by not accomplishing any goals???" So I have been trying to do better though some things have been easier to do than others. Here's my list of goals I am working on this week:

1. Lose 10 lbs. (I only have about 1.6 to go. I was down all the way, but my favorite monthly visitor came to visit and I am up 2 lbs. Next week I will meet this goal and make a new healthy lifestyle goal.)
-- Drink a large glass of water before every meal
-- get 7 hours of sleep

2. Do a Power Hour every day, which consists of scripture study, exercise, gratitude, prayer, positive affirmations, creative planning. (I get at least parts of this done every day.)

3. Listen to an inspiration audio (Right now I am listening to some stuff by Heather Madder.)

4. Write down what I learn (totally counting this and what I have already written above.)

5. Share what I learn (maybe I'll continue to do this right here on my blog that almost no one reads and you can all (LOL "you all") see my progress... we'll see)

6. Take some personal time for reading. (I need to read more books. Right now I am working on Les Miserables. It's forever long, but I am not starting another book till that one is done. Period.)

7. Text my coach on the day's progress.

What I have learned about myself so far on this journey is that I have a LONG ways to go on conquering my thoughts and keeping them positive. But you know what they say, "The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."

I'm walking, people. I'm walking.

Overdone

Kicked my own behind at the gym today, then took Sadie and Matthew grocery shopping, hurried to get Sadie to school, then tried (in vain) to put groceries away with Matthew. Once I got Matthew down for his nap and after I had a shower, I made 30 chicken enchiladas (2 1/2 pans full) from scratch, shredded lettuce, chopped tomatoes and cubed cantaloupe. I was taking dinner to a friend of mine who just had a baby last week. I got most of the dinner done before Matthew woke from his nap and the kids got home from school. I felt pretty proud. But now, I feel very tired and a bit overdone.

I am glad tomorrow is Friday. Even if Friday's are a bit harder than the other days of the week. But Friday still means the weekend is coming, which is never long enough, but I am trying to be grateful here, folks.

Oh and I still need to blog about my TriathaMOM experience. I am hoping to do that very soon. It was a great experience; I am sure you can't wait to hear all the grueling details.

Triatha-Mom

Triatha-Mom

I am doing it! I can't believe I am doing it!! But I am really doing it. Every Saturday when I Swim/Bike/Run, I try to envision how fun it will be to cross that finish line. I don't know if I have ever crossed a finish line in my lifetime. Does finishing marching in a parade in Marching Band count?

I still feel SO incredibly out of shape to do a thing like this, but I have a feeling-- at this particular event -- I won't be the only one feeling that way. Already I am thankful for my friends who have pushed me to do this. And I am incredibly thankful for my wonderful husband who had a good talk with me about doing it and how he inspired me to continue in a way that only he can.

A crazy thing happened when I was training yesterday.... I did my swim and bike like normal. After last week, I had decided that I was going to discontinue running and just speed walk the run portion of the race. Well, I started my 35 minute speed walk on the treadmill intending to walk the whole time. Then, as I had increased my speed to 4.0 mph, it happened. I. WANTED. TO. RUN................. I didn't run for long or very fast, but I ran... not because the timer told me to, not because the training schedule said I needed to do so much running. But because I WANTED to. I don't know how much total time I ran (it wasn't much), but I am going to continue to train that way... run when I feel good and when I want to. Who knows? Maybe I'll be able to run (and I mean run) that 5k someday after all.

My New Year's Resolutions (in case you were curious)

Resolution #1:
I am not going to use the credit cards anymore.  It's cash or debit from here on out.  I do love my points I get from my Amazon.com card, but I don't really control my spending too well when I use it; so I am giving it up.

Resolution #2:
I will exercise 30 minutes each day six days a week.  (As of Jan. 4 in the AM, this has not happened once)  Maybe it will happen today!  Who knows!

Resolution #3:
I am giving up my diet Pepsi (and diet Coke).  I have just been pondering my usage of the substance during the last couple months.  I have decided it can't be very good for you... I mean just look at the color.  Does it look good for you?

Resolution #4:
I will get up at 6 AM every day but Saturday.  I need time to do some of those important things I find myself not having time to do (i.e. showering, praying, studying scriptures, maybe even getting that 30 minutes of exercise in?).  This one is also not happening, but I figure it is going to be a gradual process.  I am going to work up to it and say that by June I should probably be getting up at 6 AM.

What do you think?

Curing procrastination-- laundry version

My biggest hurdle today? Laundry. That pile of never-ending, mountainous ruin. I have no problem cleaning the stuff. It's the folding and the putting away that brings the process to a grinding halt. But today I am going to quit procrastinating that which has been sitting there and DO IT!! Laundry, YOU ARE GOING DOWN!!