Some recent thoughts

I have been going through some difficult internal battles in the recent past, and I thought maybe returning to my blog might help me to get some things off my chest.

My depression

I finally got on some medication (again) to handle the anxiety and depression that I have allowed to plague me the last year. I think this is probably a temporary thing, but if it needs to be lifelong then so be it. I have felt much better with my anxiety in check and I am not entirely sure I can keep it in check without medication. Time will tell however, and I am open to doing whatever needs to be done. I just know I have been a nicer mom and my brain doesn't race quite as much since I started taking Effexor.

Taking control of my feelings and life 

A friend of mine has been helping me with some life coaching. It's kind of a new concept for me and I am a little resistant to some of the ideas, but at the point I started (about the same time I went to see a doc for my depression) I was just desperate enough to try anything. So I have been listening to some recordings by Byron Katie and Heather Madder. I feel truth in the things I have listened to and I am putting into practice believing and living these ideas.

I feel like I have been asleep in my life for a long time now, just allowing events to come and go not really participating in or influencing what happens around me. I am changing that. Problem is I have LOTS of ideas of what I can do, so many in fact that I just get bogged down with ideas and can't move in any specific direction. ALL the goals seem like good ideas, so I give up on one and pick up another and get tired of that one, so I move on to another or I "fail" at one, so I just write them all off.

Last week, my friend (the life coach) told me they really wanted to see some changes this week and that I really had to start working on my goals... it felt like there was an "or else" though they never said anything such. My mind heard an "or else" and responded, "OK, well if you want to play that way, I won't do ANY
THING. That'll show you to give me an ultimatum." To which my smarter mind replied, "That's one of the stupidest things you've ever thought. Cutting off your nose to spite your face: that's what you're thinking of doing. Seriously, you're going to 'show them' by not accomplishing any goals???" So I have been trying to do better though some things have been easier to do than others. Here's my list of goals I am working on this week:

1. Lose 10 lbs. (I only have about 1.6 to go. I was down all the way, but my favorite monthly visitor came to visit and I am up 2 lbs. Next week I will meet this goal and make a new healthy lifestyle goal.)
-- Drink a large glass of water before every meal
-- get 7 hours of sleep

2. Do a Power Hour every day, which consists of scripture study, exercise, gratitude, prayer, positive affirmations, creative planning. (I get at least parts of this done every day.)

3. Listen to an inspiration audio (Right now I am listening to some stuff by Heather Madder.)

4. Write down what I learn (totally counting this and what I have already written above.)

5. Share what I learn (maybe I'll continue to do this right here on my blog that almost no one reads and you can all (LOL "you all") see my progress... we'll see)

6. Take some personal time for reading. (I need to read more books. Right now I am working on Les Miserables. It's forever long, but I am not starting another book till that one is done. Period.)

7. Text my coach on the day's progress.

What I have learned about myself so far on this journey is that I have a LONG ways to go on conquering my thoughts and keeping them positive. But you know what they say, "The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."

I'm walking, people. I'm walking.